非常静距离林申:各位,帮忙看下这篇文章(初一的)有没有错误,顺便提点建议

原问：My Best Friend
Jenny is one of my friends and then she is my best friend.
She is really beautiful.She has long hair,big black eyes and a big red mouth.She is tall but thin.
Jenny likes singing and drawing very much.She often listens some CDs on a rideo and draws some pictures.I think the pictures are all very nice.She also likes writing things.So,she often make some writing exercise.
We are good friends.But we are not in the same school now.In winter vacation,she usually comes to my home and we do our homework together.Sometimes,we play computer games.I'm happy that we can get together again.
建议：稍稍注意一下少用重复的，包括意义和用词。这样会更好。

语法错误改掉了
Jenny is my best friend.
She is really beautiful. She has long hair, big black eyes and red lips. She is strong but thin.
Jenny really likes singing and drawing. She often listens to some CDs and videos and draws some pictures. I think the pictures are all very nice. She also likes writing a lot. So, she likes to do some writing exercises.
We are best friends. But we are not in the same school now. In winter vacation, she usually comes to my home and we do our homework. Sometimes, we play computer games together. I’m so happy that we can get together again.

建议原文作如下基础修改：
改后：
My Best Friend
Jenny is (去掉the)one of my friends and she is the best one.
She is really beautiful. She has long hair, big black eyes and a big red mouth. She is (改成：tall) but thin.
Jenny really likes singing and drawing. She often listens (加to) some CDs with a video and draws some pictures. I think all of those pictures are very nice. She also likes writing things a lot. sometimes, she likes to do some writing exercise.
We are best friends. But we are not in the same school now. In winter vacation, she usually comes to my home and we do our homework together. Sometimes, we play computer games (去掉in)together. I’m longing for getting together again.

My Best Friend
Jenny is one of my friends.She is really beautiful. She has long hair, big black eyes and a small red mouth. She is strong but thin.
Jenny really likes singing and drawing. She often listens to some CDs with a video and draws some pictures. I think the pictures are all very nice. She also likes writing things a lot. So she likes to do some writing exercise.
We are best friends. But we are not in the same school now. In winter vacation, she usually comes to my home and we do our homework together. Sometimes, we play computer games in together. I’m happy that we can get together again.